I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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