your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
