That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
