I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
