Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
