Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
