U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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