I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
