I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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