just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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