We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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