I puked a lego.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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