Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
