at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
