I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
