I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
