i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
