I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
