Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
