I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i now understand why vodka
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
