atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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