why didn't you poke me back
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
