Plan B is the new Plan A
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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