I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
