I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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