u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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