Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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