You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
