I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
