He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
