Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
