lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
