He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
