how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
