a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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