when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You're like the curious george of whores
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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