I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm too high and old for this...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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