How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
