The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
