what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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