apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
