I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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