I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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