Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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