remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
