I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
