i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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