WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
