the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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