Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
