ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
