No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
