I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
