This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
