That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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