i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
