6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're like the curious george of whores
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
